The Crown Molding FAIL!

DIY Adventures in Crown Molding: The Fury Within:
Day 1: “Hey man, do you want to go get that trim today”?
“I can’t. Let’s go Thursday”.
“okay”
Day Thursday: “Crap, I can’t go today, let’s go tomorrow”
“okay”
Day Tomorrow: Lowes, Lunch, and Unload the supplies (Too late to start cutting any)
Day 7ish: Weekend
Day 9: Let’s hang some crown molding!! Okay, some of the backers are up, Let’s do our first 45 degree angle. *cuts 2 pieces to start test fitting. They don’t fit…not even close. But…This is a 90 degree corner. 45+45 is 90 right? *little sparks are firing from waaaay back in the day. Oh yeaaaaaah, it’s not 45, because you are doing 45 up and down and 45 angle…on each piece! Okay, back to the drawing board.
33.1 degrees…

28.6 degrees,
miter joints
upside down
hold it up against the saw
don’t cut your fingers off…
18 trips up and down the ladder, and 37 cuts later, I don’t even have my first piece up.
I quit.
Day 12: Let’s give it another go. (I watched a bunch of youtube videos, and asked my dad for advice too) I was ready to rock!
There is an “easy” way to make your joints at the wall. It’s called “coping”. This is where you let one piece go all the way to the wall, then the next piece, you modify slightly where the designs fit perfectly together, and you only have to cut one side. Brilliant!! Let’s do this! I get my long piece up there, and start fitting my shorter coped piece. It doesn’t fit. Not only does it not fit, but that little bastard was upside down and backwards. No worries, just do it again. …NOPE that piece was the right way again, but reversed angle. AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!! *deep breaths Nicholas. Just think it through. You are cutting them upside down, so the right side is actually the left, and the top is the bottom…*wonders who invented this crap.
*sigh, okay, one more shot. Cuts the end, it’s the right way this time…copes the extra material off the special fitted piece, *deep breath* up the ladder for the 67th time today…DAMMIT!!!! DAMMIT ALL TO HELL AND BACK YOU STUPID FREAKING MOTHER PIECE OF CROWN!!!! I WILL KILL YOU WITH A THOUSAND SAW BLADES!! So…that piece didn’t fit right.
Day Whatever: Let’s try an outside corner! Maybe that will go better. *oh, but wait! The angles are even more backwards and more upside down!! They aren’t really, but is sure feels that way. There is much less room for errors on an outside corner. You can’t build out a new point with caulk, like you fill gaps with caulk on inside corners. If you don’t get it right, it looks like crap…forever.
37 cuts later and another 47 trips up the ladder, those pieces are bent, battered, broken, and definitely not perfect and pretty.
I quit!!! STUPID FREAKING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
*Messages Sharon to see if Tommy would deal with this.
*storms off
*squeals tires (not easy to do in a 3 cylinder Briggs and Stratton. A.K.A Ford Ranger)
*throws phone
*cracks screen on phone
*punches a concrete wall (Ouch!)
*is very seriously pissed off now!
The bible says be slow to anger. Well 12 days was slow enough. I’m furious.
Moral of the story: If you don’t have patience, and the ability to think 3 dimensional upside-down, don’t try to hang crown molding.
There needs to be more alcohol. That’s probably the only right answer for this project.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s